I was attempting to get some rest before our patrol tonight, but I guess that isn’t going to happen at this point. I was lying in my bunk staring at the ceiling with a lot of different things going through my mind. Our time here in hell is starting to draw down. We have less than four months left, but that’s still four months of this place. The days seem to be getting longer and time is slowing to a standstill. People are on edge, and everyone is worn down to the point of “I don’t give a crap anymore.” This can be a real dangerous time in a deployment as complacency, routine, and just plain boredom set in. Anyway, that’s not what was running through my mind.
My mind has been full of a lot of different issues lately.
- How can I get certain recalcitrant soldiers to start doing what they are supposed to? I really don’t want to resort to UCMJ, but I may be forced to.
- Will I get my Flight Medic Course slot?
- What will I do if I don’t?
- Its going to be a big adjustment coming home for a real period of time after almost 3 years. I hope it doesn’t ruin us.
- There is really only about two people I care to interact with from this unit when we get back.
Mostly however, death has been on my mind. I guess it was the death of my friend that kicked it off, but I know its been sitting in the back of my mind for a long time. I wonder what will happen to my family if I don’t come home. What will my daughter grow up to be like, and will she ever even think of me on those important days in her life? She is not even three yet. I know my wife will miss me, but how will her life turn out? At least our debt would be paid off and there would be enough to get by on for a long time. I know the unit will conduct a memorial, but I can’t help but think it will be a perfunctory one since I only have about two friends here. What would be said? “He was a good medic. Yep, that about covers it. Dismissed.” My photo will be put up on the wall, and I will be summarily forgotten. Will anyone come to my funeral?
I know that seems kind of self-centered, but the questions pose themselves. When you combine long hours of nothing but empty thoughts with periods of fighting, then throw in barely competent Iraqi forces you can’t trust, its amazing anyone makes it out of here intact.
My watch just quit.
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Fuck!
I imagine those are the kinds of thoughts that run through many minds over there. I never asked my son what he thought of when he couldn’t sleep, but I know he had many restless nights while he was there last year. Just hang in there, it won’t be too much longer now. I say that, but I remember Seth’s last 4 months passed so slowly that it about drove me crazy. I can say with certainty, though, that the time will pass…eventually. Take care…..
I would come to your funeral.
Stay alert! Stay focused! We WANT you to come back to the States alive and as healthy as you can. All of you.
The recalcitrant soldiers: Is it possible that this isn’t recalcitrance but results of clinical depression? Can you talk with them individually or as a group? Maybe find out why they are not performing as they should? Remind them that not only their lives but everyone else’s in the unit depend on them just as they depend on others. Just thoughts, NOT reflections on you. In fact, I’d bet you’ve already tried these things. If I had a magic wand I’d loan it to you. :o)
Sleepless nights: I can’t imagine being where you are and not having these. Again, possibility of depression? Definitely tension and anxiety so perhaps check with a doc for meds?
Wife and daughter: Trust in whatever Higher Power you believe in that they will always love you. If the worst happens, know they will miss you but will continue on successfully. Do not try to hide your feelings or memories from your wife but explain that they will recurr for quite some period of time. You BOTH will have to work through them. It won’t be easy but with love and work you’ll make it.
I didn’t mean to be preachy but you asked and I answered. :o)
Good news for me….my son will be home on terminal leave from the Marine Corp 2 weeks from today. I have missed him very much these past 4 years. Now I am so anxious to get him here I can hardly stand it!
Go and rest so you can stay alert and focussed, my friend. Good thoughts going in your direction.