Do I Miss It?

I received the following comment the other day, “So, do you miss it? I’ve heard from others who really do miss being where they were. I’m not sure if it’s because life was just intense or maybe they felt their actions counted for something.  Just wondering….”

That is a very complex question, at least for me.  There are aspects that I miss, but the greater feeling is one of relief and joy at being home with my family.  I spent more than just my time in Iraq away from them due to my military obligations, and just being with them is the best part of my life.  For the last three years, we have been apart and Iraq just widened that divide.  Everyday they were the first thought on my mind, and the last thought in the dark at night.  I often wondered how they would get along if I perished in the combat zone.  I wondered how my daughter would ever know her father and how my wife would move forward.  I even wrote a “death letter” to each just in case something happened.

When a close medic friend died, I had many nights where I did nothing but think about the ramifications of the life I had made.  There was a stress that permeated everything we did, and I wondered what would happen when I returned home.  Would I be able to get over that or would I turn into one of those PTSD monsters that the news is always reporting on.  I am glad to say, that so far, my worst case has yet to surface.  My wife and I have discussed the changes we have gone through over the last few years, and are adjusting to our new lives as a family again.  She has yet to get out the “carbon fiber broom stick” to keep me at bay (our inside joke thanks to a poor suggestion by an FRG member).

However, as I stated, there are a few things that I do miss.  We have returned and are back into the daily garrison grind.  I am enjoying the regular PT, but I do miss the camaraderie that combat zones create.  Daily life has returned to the more formal version of an undeployed unit as is necessary for proper order and discipline.  I miss the discussions about home life and our families that we all engaged in.  Now, everyone pretty much keeps their private lives to themselves and keeps their “joyous news” to themselves.  Of course, new babies and such are still celebrated, but the everyday joys are muted in the din of daily business.  I miss knowing that when I ordered something I needed, I would get it quickly.  Now we suffer “budget constraints” and all the normal red tape that an organization as big as the Army has.

My mission, knowing I am being a productive member of society, and doing my real job are the biggest things I miss.  Every morning when I woke up I knew I would be donning my body armor, prepping my team, and engaging in combat patrols – possibly engaging the terrorists.  I knew that doing my job, caring for others, was tantamount to the success of everything we did.  From treating a simple cold, to keeping an Iraqi alive while waiting on medevac, I was the one man that my men looked to for their well-being and health.  No one looked twice if I started an IV on a gunner in the turret to keep him going in the 130 degree heat.  It was my job, and I was expected to do it.  Period.  I am good at my job, and caring for those in my charge, coalition, Iraqi, civilian, or enemy, was my duty.  I had a singular focus during my deployment and that focus kept me sane and productive.  I am by nature a work-a-holic and adrenaline junkie (as most medics and EMTs are), and that environment was one in which I thrived.  Now I have to fight just to give an aspirin due to all the rules and policies thrust upon us by a garrison hospital that had no clue what real patient care is about.  I actually have to give someone an appointment to see a PA, just for a twisted ankle.  Its frustrating and angers almost all the medics in our unit.

Now that I am back, I have new soldiers.  These young men are straight from AIT and are wide-eyed and ready to go.  I think back on how all of us were before we deployed and how much we have changed and our personalities have muted and become in some way darker.  We still joke and rib each other, we do get together with each others families, and we do work together daily, but I can definitely see a difference between those of us that deployed and those that didn’t.  There is a definite divide and difference in the esprit de corps between the “old guys” and the “newbies.”  However, time will help resolve that as people begin to leave for new assignments and more “newbies” arrive.

Like I said, its a complex question.  Do I miss it?  I do not look forward to returning there in 18 months or so.  I wish that I could just stay here and enjoy watching my daughter grow while holding my wife in my arms every night.  I will return as that is my duty, and I know that I am needed there to ensure as many young men and women as possible return home to their normal lives.

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